Letters to my surrogate mothers

Kathy -the misunderstood

You are no longer on this earth, but I know you had a heart for God.  You were misunderstood and unappreciated.  Your worth was not honored.  As my first step-mother, you were tasked with raising three children, not your own, in addition to your son. You came in at a disadvantage compared to a woman who hung the moon.  Your past was not forgotten, not forgiven as God forgave.  Instead, your past was held against you. You overcame so much; a life headed for destruction through abuse and a search for love.  God saw you.  God loved you. And you turned it all around.  

Then came a family who portrayed “ideals” but was incredibly broken in their own hearts.

The expectations were high, higher than anyone could have met.  You came in trying to be perfect; the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect daughter-in-law, trying to fill the shoes of someone taken too soon and dearly loved.

I want you to know that I saw you and did not understand your pain.  Today, I see you, and I understand your pain, your need for love and acceptance, your impossible situation.

Thank you for trying your best in a difficult situation.

Nancy-the friend

You are the steadfast, the wise.  You knew what you could influence and what you could not.  You came in with little expectation and careful strides.  You knew what you could and could not push.  

You are amazingly strong and have a heart full of kindness and grace. Your ability to look past the shortcoming to see the promise in people is valuable and desired. 

You were the calm in the storm of teenage life.  You always told me my decisions were smart, even when they may not have been—and I felt safe and intelligent and loved.

As I grew into adulthood, you became Nana, so beloved by my daughter, so special in her eyes, and I knew you were made for this.  You imparted wisdom and love; you fostered growth and acceptance.

You found the secret sauce in a marriage in our family: space.  Give space to grow, to growl, to shift, to settle.  You see the unease and move out of the way; your wisdom knows not to take the unrest personally as it results from an unsettled mind.

You have taught me so much, and you are loved.

Millie-the Mother-in-Law

You took me in and accepted me. You loved and took care of my children allowing me to work and follow my passion outside the house. You are funny and sunshine in our life. Thank you for always supporting my husband as he went through a major medical issue. Thank you for teaching me to cook and taking care of all of us. You stepped in as a surrogate mother to me.

I know your life has not been easy, you lost your husband so young, you struggled and fought to raise your children well, you took care of your parents as you have taken care of everyone in your life.

You have taught me to love, to care for and to mother.

I love you.

Shelly—the sister: put in a difficult spot trying to be both mother and daughter.  Your burden of trying to please so heavy.

My sister, I see you, I see your heart.  I see your pain; I see you not forgive yourself.  I know that life weighs heavy on you as you place so much responsibility on yourself.  You hold it together and do not let anyone see your pain or your struggle.  Your expectations of yourself are more than anyone could expect.  My heart longs for you to know that God says, “well done.”

What you do not know is how much I look up to you and respect you.  You are so wise, so loving. You have our mother’s heart and are more like her than any of us. Your love for God is an inspiration. Your humble nature is an example of what I want out of my life.

You have endured much heartache without permission to feel and experience the pain.  You hide your grief and put on a happy face for others.  It must be a struggle to keep it all together for everyone else.

I long for you to feel free to spread your wings and chase your bliss in God.  I love you, Shelly, who accepts me as I am.

Father God,

Watch over the mothers in my life for all that they are and all they are not. Thank you for sending each one to be a guide in my life.

Amen.

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