My Body

My body was created by God for different purposes at different times in my life. As a small infant my body was teeny, it was just big enough to be held in my mothers arms, to be cuddled to be held, just right to snuggle up to her breast for nourishment as I grew. 

As I got older my body grew as well, grew stronger, grew taller. As a toddler I was just the right size to be picked up and held but also to walk on my own. My legs grew stronger, my arms as well. I was chubby in all the right places, which I think made me endearing to others. Who couldn’t love a chubby toddler?

Aa an adolescence, I grew taller and thinner. My body was strong enough for me to run and play, experiment and learn, just strong enough to help around the house, but not strong enough to do much more. Adolescence is where my body hatred started. A desire to fit in came and I started to look at myself as compared to others. The chubby child turned into a less chubby adolescence quite perfect and how God has designed me to be. Yet, the judgment began.

As a young woman, my body turned curvy, I suppose to make myself desirable for a mate. My young breasts round and high, my hips with a curve, with a very round bottom. I am a young adult designed to show readiness for a mate.

I grew older, married, my body again began to change as happier times meant connecting with food. My body again changed into a round state with more to love. After becoming pregnant, my body changed once again. Not only did my belly change into a cocoon for my baby, but also I found growth in other areas, rounder hips, fuller thighs, larger breasts. My body was preparing itself for something else, something greater than myself. My body continued to grow as my stomach grew rounder more globe like. My face changed, my arms changed, everything changed in preparation for my baby.

The birth of my baby changed my body even further, I now could see the lines illustrating the growth, the preparation, the joy of having a baby. My stomach which was once stretched and shiny, now resembled the deflated balloon. The perfect place to house my newborn baby. My breasts became even more engorged as they prepared the food source for my baby. I didn’t resemble my old self but I resembled something new, a mother.

As time went on and more babies came, my body would go through the same motions of growing smaller getting to the point of desirability for my husband and then pregnant with my next child to repeat the process: larger belly, larger thighs, larger butt and engorged breasts. Delivery offering the same results as the first time: a nice place to set my baby on my what was once my globe like belly, now a soft squishy place for a baby to lie. Once again, the growing breasts to feed my baby.

As my children grew and my motherhood role changed, I was now with toddlers and young adults.  My body now served different purposes. My still squishy body made great places to cuddle and lay. My body was soft like pillows, not hard like a warrior. I recall the shame of my body shape. It felt like my body shame consumed my life. No longer wanting to wear bathing suits. No longer wanting to go in the pool. Watching from the sidelines. Instead of being proud of the body who created these three individuals, I was ashamed of the lumpy, the bumpy, the stretch marked body.

As my children aged, my shame increased. Wearing anything less than long pants and baggy tops was all you would see. I completely missed the point that my body was an instrument, an instrument of God, which would change with each new phase of my life. Now that times are different, and my children are grown, I see that my body is once again being prepared for a new place in my life. A place where they no longer need me. Now is the time to prepare for being strong for the next phase.

As I look into the future I can see that my body will change again: my hair color will change, my skin will change as it becomes thinner with age. I will see spots appear from sun damage and with that I smile. A smile knowing that I am prepared for the next phase of my life, being a grandma.

As the years continue, my body will continue to decay. This is not my final resting place. My final body will become a heavenly body, a body at home with my father in heaven.